Extracted from My Paper 25/2/08

First Year of Marriage is hardest

Marriage as eveyone knows, is no walk in the park. And this can be particularly true in the 1st year. Once the courtship, wedding and honeymoon are over, the couple settle down into daily life. That's the time when fault-lines can occur.

Morgan Zhou, 27, a primary school teacher, and his wife Angela 26, an accounts executive, learnt it the hard way after dating for 8 years. Before their marriage in December 2006, they had not lived together which led to spats about the chores.

"We had trouble adjusting to each other when we moved in together into our own place," says Mr Zhou. "We fought about who would do the washing and ironing, and we would give each other black face for a while."

They realised that they had assumed that things would "somehow get done".

It is a common mistake couples make - not discussing the seemingly trivial matters before marriage - which can lead to resentment and bigger fights, say marriage counsellors.

"Living together is different from the time of courtship," says Dr Peter Chew, obstetrician and gynaecologist, and chairman of the board of aLife, a volunteer-run association which provides counselling services and marriage enrichment courses.

"Husband and wife are coming from different familes with different upbringing, value systems, and attitudes," adds Dr Chew. "It takes a long time to adjust."

Couples may go through a decline in romance and intimacy, the inability to have fun together, and selfishness. They may even fight on which family to spend special occasions - such as Chines New Year reunion dinners - with.

"It isn't 2 people who get married, but 6 - the couple and the parents of both families," says Dr Chew.

The Zhous, hoever became clear about expectations regarding housework and made their preferences known on which chores they would like to do. It worked wonders.

"We both do the washing now," says Mr Zhou. "But Angela does most of the ironing, and in return, i vacuum the house. We've found a synergy that works for us."

Spring-cleaning the house before friends come over is an happy occasion for them. They go into over-drive, working together to keep it spick and span. Mr Zhou says that had the fights not been resolved, it could have become overwhelming.

"It could have got worse if we'd lost sight of the big picture," He says. "But we knew we are commited to a long lasting relationship and to making it work. Divorce isn't and option, so tat was a driving force to work out any issues."

Marriage counsellors recommend taking a leaf out of the Zhou's book - keep in mind that marriage is for life and that problems can be resolved with open communication. Find a way to deal with your conflict and to speaki without hurting feelings. While the 1st year of marriage can be sometimes difficult, it is also a time of great intimacy and discovery. It sets the stage and builds the foundation for a long-lasting marriage, so relationship experts advise dealing with problems quickly and effectively.

"Feelings of resentment are easy to overcome, as long as each person is willing to participate in conversation to extinguish these feelings," said author, relationship writer and lecturer Paul Mauchline.

"it is never too late for dialogue with anyone, especially your loved ones, and, most importantly, your partner."